- 3:59 pm Thursday, October 30th, 2014 by Jeff Schultz
According to suburban legend (defined as Googling outside of the perimeter), Halloween has its origins in the ancient Celtic festival known as “Samhain” (pronounced, “sah-win,” because Celtics couldn’t spell) and is celebrated at the end of the harvest season, when the worlds of the living and the dead overlap, and mayhem ensues, and the dead rise (except B.J. Upton), and desperate housewives dress up like Lola and Candi on Stages 1 and 2, and evil spirits roam neighborhoods and sometimes go on to coach at Louisville, or get recruited by Florida State, or become president of the NCAA.
(I know. That [More]
- 5:07 pm Thursday, October 23rd, 2014 by Jeff Schultz
According to Thursday’s London Mirror (“The Intelligent Tabloid”), under “Football” news, Tottenham was looking for a win over Asteras Tripolis, a Spanish goalie may rehab with Manchester United, and Balotelli threatened a woman who took pictures of his Ferrari.
According to the London Sun (the more interesting paper), there is still time for women to enter the “Curvy Cover Girl” contest and win 1,000 pounds and a modeling contract with Milk Management (I’m not making that up). Also, Natasha tells her heartbreaking story, “I hid under fella’s bed… as rat romped with another.”
I’ve come to this conclusion: The Falcons left the [More]
- 3:56 pm Thursday, October 16th, 2014 by Jeff Schultz
With Mississippi State ranked No. 1, the Kansas City Royals going to the World Series and the usually profitable Weekend Predictions struggling in the first half of this economic season — there’s hope: I’m in the NFC South with the Bucs and the Georgia state ethics commission — let me stall a paragraph before getting to the uncertainty surrounding this week’s featured event: Arkansas vs. No Todd Gurley again.
Down in Tallahassee, home of the police force with selective investigations and future Baltimore Ravens executive Jimbo Fisher, No. 2 Florida State faces No. 5 Notre Dame. It’s such a big event [More]
- 7:14 pm Thursday, October 9th, 2014 by Jeff Schultz
Welcome back to Weekend Predictions and Occasional Spectacular Grease Fires, Inc., where we will vigorously defend your right to deduct all incorrect financial assumptions that the Falcons’ defense might someday force a punt but never will defend Adrian Peterson, who is alleged to have pilfered donations meant for his fraud foundation to fund an orgy, leading to the question, “Wait. Hookers are deductible? Or does that go under “miscellaneous business expense” with printer ink, desk chairs and Swedish independent contractors?
More on A.P.’s option offense later.
But first, we go to the big story: The End of the World.
There was an incorrect [More]
- 3:28 pm Thursday, October 2nd, 2014 by Jeff Schultz
As the Falcons go into their fifth game still looking for a defense, or even a speed bump, or even just a good joke to tell a receiver during a pass route on the chance that he might laugh and fall down — hey, how about setting up a lounge in the secondary with a two-drink minimum? — it’s worth noting Sunday is (and I’m not making this up, unlike most of what you read here): National Do Something Nice Day.
This is the Falcons’ week! The only thing more appropriate for the defense would be National Grease Fire Day.
The Falcons [More]
- 6:23 pm Thursday, September 25th, 2014 by Jeff Schultz
Welcome back to what has been an enormously profitable investment season, if you ignore the 28 slight miscalculations against the spread — which I honestly was just joking about, so help me Roger Goodell — and this week’s big event! (No, I’m not talking about John Rocker’s appearance on “Survivor,” which is something that happens when you can’t get a job any more, sit behind a folding table at Hall of Fame weekend in Cooperstown begging for spare change or Anabol, behind a sign that reads, “Speak English,” and most of the literate world views your place on the evolutionary [More]
- 4:28 pm Thursday, September 18th, 2014 by Jeff Schultz
Before continuing with our investment season, which has been quite profitable if you discount the last three weeks and 35 picks and the fact it’s really hard to handicap NFL games when you’re not sure which team has more players in leg chains and how many times the invertebrate commissioner is going to stick his finger in the air (editors made me type “air”; my mind was thinking somewhere else), here’s this week’s legal update:
Roger Goodell has placed three highly paid dunderheads on the NFL’s double-secret Exempt/Commissioner’s Permission List, which almost nobody knew even existed until about 10 [More]
- 3:02 pm Thursday, September 11th, 2014 by Jeff Schultz
According to legend, my third favorite source after Netflix and the Google search window, where you can find just about anything except the Ray Rice video, and we know this because Roger Goodell did an exhaustive seven-second search from his Barcalounger before declaring, “Nothing to see here!” and retiring for his afternoon nap, the expression, “The dog ate my homework” predates Goodell by over 100 years.
“There is a lure in power. It can get into a man’s blood, just as gambling and lust for money have been known to do.” – Harry Truman
Last week: 11-2 overall, 7-6 against the line.
- 3:29 pm Thursday, September 4th, 2014 by Jeff Schultz
Before getting to this week’s lox — oh, you thought I meant locks last week? Uh, no – here’s an update from the programming department at HBO. In this week’s episode of, “Jonah From Tonga,” Fobba-lisicious and Kool Kris pick up a triumphant Jonah from prison, just in time to take part in the Feel Da Beat dance competition with their song “Don’t Be A Bully.” While Jonah has been locked up, everything seems to have changed and Jonah is forced to make some real adjustments.
I’m not sure — because the lines between real and unbelievably-stupid-and-scripted-made-for-TV-verbal-undressings-of-characters often seem to get [More]
- 2:15 pm Thursday, August 28th, 2014 by Jeff Schultz
Against the backdrop of a USC player making up a story about jumping out of a window to save his drowning cousin (a Bobby Petrino starter kit), four North Carolina players suspended for undisclosed reasons (oh look, a teammate was beaten senseless. How’d that happen?) and the Heisman Trophy winner shoplifting crab legs because, well, THESE SCHOLARSHIP ATHLETES ARE STARVING!!! ….
Hello. I am back.
You know how this works. Every week, I give you the winners. It’s your job to find them.
If I went 17-0 every week, it would make it too easy for competing investment services like Charles Schwab, Morgan [More]